Bars of Black and White

Yet another cool but brief experiment by Gregory Weir (The Majesty of Colors), Bars of Black and White stands in sharp contrast to it's predecessor. You use arrows to navigate around a sparse, crudely drawn apartment while solving simple puzzles and using items you find along the way to open up new areas of the game. Of particular interest is the game's main gimmick of using a bar code scanner to reveal hidden messages. A creepy little game worth checking out.

Don't Shit Your Pants

I think we can all identify with this. In this "survival horror game", You have 40 seconds to guide a fat man to the shitter (or find some other solution) before he poops his man-panties. Your only means of doing so is by typing the right series of text commands in the proper order. The game is not very picky, so proper grammar isn't necessary, but expect him to be shat upon a few times before you get it right. Saisissez la toilette! Pro tip: you can gain more time by relieving some of the pressure.

Top 10 Most Overrated Doctor Who Stories

I love Doctor Who. I want to make sure everyone knows that before I get started here because this is the kind of list that would probably get me throttled at sci-fi conventions. When I began to delve deeper into this long-running television program I needed a way to separate the wheat from the chaff without having to try and track down over 750 episodes and watch them all. Naturally, I turned to websites like Outpost Gallifrey and The Doctor Who Ratings Guide to see what long-time fans had to say. For the most part they served me well, but there are a handful of stories that I feel are given far more praise than they deserve. Likewise, there are certain stories I think are far better than the majority of the fans rate them, but I'll save that for another blog.

In 2003, the 40th anniversary of Doctor Who, Outpost Gallifrey conducted a poll asking its readers to rate all 159 of the original stories (as well as Doctor Who: The Movie and various specials, none of which I'm including here). My basis for this list was this poll in addition to postive reviews and ratings I've seen elsewhere. All of the stories I mention are in the top half of the poll and I've listed them in descending order. For instance, City of Death (#1 on my list) came in 5th place out of all the original Doctor Who stories while Resurrection of the Daleks (#10 on my list) came in at a middling 77th. The other stories I mention here placed somewhere in between.


1) City of Death (Fourth Doctor: Tom Baker; Season 17; Story 105)

Tom Baker, a script by Douglas Adams, location shooting in Paris, a villain played by Julian Glover and a Pythonesque cameo by John Cleese…I must be mad to say this story isn’t genius! Well, it isn’t. Don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely the best story of the otherwise atrocious season 17, but is it perfect? Far from it if you ask me. There are numerous holes in the plot, Lalla Ward is too cute by half as Romana, and just what kind of accent does Professor Kerensky have anyway? Russian? Romanian? Italian? Who can tell? Furthermore, Scaroth’s rubber mask with plastic eye isn’t really that convincing, so why does director Michael Hayes decide to zoom in on it fully lit? And I haven’t even mentioned the endless padding, Tom Baker and Lalla Ward running up and down the streets of Paris just so we’ll all know they're on location. Is it a good story? Absolutely. Does it deserve praise as one of the top 10 Doctor Who stories ever? Not a chance. I'm not even sure it's in my top 10 Tom Baker stories.


2) Earthshock (Fifth Doctor: Peter Davison; Season 20; Story 122)

I’ve mentioned in a previous review that I don’t really care for Peter Davison’s Doctor, but he’s not the real problem when it comes to Earthshock. Like so many Fifth Doctor stories, this one starts off strong (apart from the bickering in the TARDIS) and goes down hill from there. This is a much-loved, much-remembered story due to the involvement of the Cybermen and the death of Adric, the Doctor’s very own Wesley Crusher. I happen to think it’s a load of crap. Here the Cybermen are only different from humans in appearance, being annoyed one minute and irate the next, and are far from the emotionless beings they were in the 60s (or in the new series, come to think of it). And would someone tell me why the Cybermen need android servants? I’ll tell you why…to keep the audience from realizing Cybermen are the villains until the end of the first episode. While it does boast some nice effects and music, there are serious problems with Earthshock…and the silent epilogue for Adric at the end is definitely one of them. The realization that Adric is no longer on board the TARDIS is at least some compensation.


3) Logopolis (Fourth Doctor: Tom Baker; Season 18; Story 116)

To prove I’m not just picking on Davison, here’s another story from my favorite actor to play the role of the Doctor – Tom Baker. Of course, it’s not his fault it's a bit of a stinker. In fact, Baker is probably the best thing about Logopolis. I’m not a big fan of Anthony Ainley's Master, mainly because he seems to use an over-the-top laugh as a substitute for punctuation, but I think what really doesn’t work in Logopolis is the writing. There’s just too much going on in this story for a four-parter. We have the introduction of Tegan, the return of the Master and Nyssa, the mysterious (and while spooky, rather pointless) appearance of The Watcher and the death of the Fourth Doctor all in about an hour and a half. Speaking of the Fourth Doctor’s death…he falls off a radio telescope. That’s it, really. After facing the Daleks, Davros, Sutekh, Magnus Greel, and countless other baddies, how does the Master finally defeat the Doctor? Gravity. Apparently, the Fourth Doctor’s fatal flaw was an extremely weak grasp.


4) Revelation of the Daleks (Sixth Doctor: Colin Baker; Season 22; Story 143)

Whether you like Colin Baker or not it’s hard to deny that his tenure as the Sixth Doctor marked a nadir in the history of Doctor Who. The “other” Baker was at helm when the show went off the air for an eighteen month hiatus, right in the middle of his two seasons in the role. While it might seem that I’m being awfully forgiving of the leads, here again I cannot fault C. Baker for this shoddy story. In the one season of the original Doctor Who where stories were divided (mostly) into two 45 minute episodes, why on earth would you spend one of those episodes with the Doctor and Peri walking around aimlessly before reaching Tranquil Repose? At the end of that first episode a statue of the Sixth Doctor falls on him, but at the beginning of the second episode it turns out to have been a fake, not heavy enough to really hurt him. The Doctor says it was part of an “elaborate practical joke,” but I think the joke is on the viewers. What was the point? And don’t get me started on Alexei Sayle as the DJ, who may win top honors for the most annoying character ever to appear on television. Sure, he’s less offensive once he’s not doing his on-air persona, but that doesn’t dull the ache of what has come before, or of his weapon that shoots an “ultra sonic beam of rock and roll” to destroy the Daleks before he dies like a chump. In the end, Davros and the highly underutilized Daleks cannot save this sloppy story that many fans inexplicably consider the Sixth Doctor’s best.


5) The Mind Robber (Second Doctor: Patrick Troughton; Season 6; Story 045)

I almost feel guilty saying that The Mind Robber is overrated, especially given that so few of the Second Doctor’s stories survive today. Conceptually speaking I have to say that it’s the best story on this list, but the execution leaves much to be desired. The first episode is a surreal trip that has little to do with the actual story proper, but upon repeated viewings I found it may be the best of the five that make up The Mind Robber. After that we’re into the Land of Fiction where anything can happen – toy soldiers, mythological beasts, various literary figures appear, but they don’t do very much, really. Maybe my suspension of disbelief needs some work, because I can imagine seeing this as a child I would have fallen for it hook, line and sinker, but having watched it for the first time at the bitter age of 32 I just found it rather unconvincing. Fictional characters just seem to be thrown at the Doctor and his companions at random and by the end of the story there are quite a few unanswered questions. For example, who built the Master Brain computer the Master of the Land uses to conjure up all these literary characters? Then there’s the fact that after five episodes of general chaos, Jamie and Zoe defeat the computer simply by pressing buttons at random. While The Mind Robber is somewhat overrated by fandom, it’s maybe the most unique story within a very unique show and treasured primarily for that very reason.


6) The Five Doctors (Fifth Doctor: Peter Davison; Season 20; Story 122)

What a spectacular mess. This movie-length 20th anniversary story is essentially a Doctor Who convention on film. It’s got everything: Cybermen, Daleks, Yeti, Time Lords, the Master, a gaggle of companions and five, well, four…um…okay, three Doctors all in one massive story! I just like to pretend it doesn’t exist, really. One would think that if one of your lead actors was dead (William Hartnell) and another refused to participate (Tom Baker) that you’d just think of something else to do, right? Nah, just use a stand-in and some old film footage and work around them instead. Nothing in this convoluted waste of film makes any sense and the only real reason to watch it from an objective point of view is Patrick Troughton’s brilliant performance as the Second Doctor. Everyone else seems to be phoning it in or hamming it up. However, if you're watching just to see how past stars have aged there's nothing better than The Five Doctors.


7) Black Orchid (Fifth Doctor: Peter Davison; Season 19; Story 121)

Maybe it’s a little unfair to be picking on this inoffensive little two-part time filler, but I had such high expectations for it based on the reviews I'd read that I think it needs singling out. It all hinges on the fact that somewhere on Earth there’s a girl who looks exactly like Nyssa, companion to the Doctor and native of Traken. This sort of thing pops up a lot in Doctor Who, such as Romana looking just like Princess Strella in The Androids of Tara, but there’s not quite enough going on in this story to warrant another one of these highly unlikely coincidences. Basically, the first part of the story involves the Fifth Doctor playing an inordinate amount of cricket and Adric stuffing his face at a masquerade ball. (You know you have problems when a two part story has this much padding.) The thrilling conclusion being that someone wearing the Doctor’s mask and costume ends up killing the girl who looks just like Nyssa and for the entire second episode the Doctor has to prove he isn’t the murderer. Often touted as the best of the two-parters, I’ll take The Edge of Destruction, The Rescue or The Sontaran Experiment any day of the week. The best thing about Black Orchid is the title.


8) Carnival of Monsters (Third Doctor: Jon Pertwee; Season 10; Story 066)

Along with City of Death and The Mind Robber, Carnival of Monsters is another story that I actually enjoy, but I don’t quite think it’s worthy of its legendary status. The premise here is that the Third Doctor and his companion Jo Grant end up materializing inside an illegal device called a Miniscope. It's a machine that contains miniaturized worlds and creatures for the viewing pleasure of anyone willing to buy a ticket. Essentially, it's Jurassic Park meets Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (though obviously predating both) and while it is very entertaining, it’s one of the ugliest stories in Doctor Who. The sets look particularly dodgy, the aliens are rather unimpressive, and the costumes make the Sixth Doctor’s coat look tasteful by comparison. Carnival of Monsters is a fine example of a Doctor Who story that works despite its superficial flaws, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. All in all, it’s a great story with solid performances let down only by its unparalleled gaudiness.


9) The War Machines (First Doctor: William Hartnell; Season 3; Story 027)

As the only surviving story to feature companions Ben and Polly, I really wanted to like The War Machines. I’m also a big fan of William Hartnell’s portrayal of the Doctor, but what remains of his final season is rather disappointing stuff. Everyone points out the fact that this story is the prototype on which the earthbound Doctor Who stories were built (The Invasion, Spearhead from Space, Doctor Who and the Silurians, etc.) and that’s certainly true, but that doesn’t make it terribly enjoyable. It’s filled with too many plot holes for me to begin to mention here while the WOTAN computer and the War Machines make for fairly dull villains. Dodo Chaplet, the Doctor’s companion at the beginning of the episode, makes her exit off-screen, which is another disappointment. Perhaps the biggest gripe of all, however, is that WOTAN constantly refers to the Doctor as “Doctor Who.” It’s a petty complaint, but one that never fails to get under my skin. A forward thinking story, but a boring one.


10) Resurrection of the Daleks (Fifth Doctor: Peter Davison; Season 21; Story 134)

What a surprise, another Peter Davison story! Resurrection of the Daleks has perhaps the most perplexing tangle of plot threads ever to make its way into a Doctor Who story. It all starts off well enough (there’s that Fifth Doctor jinx again), but falls to pieces in the latter half of the story. We’ve got Davros, Daleks, renegade Daleks, doppelgangers and mercenaries all in a big Doctor Who gumbo, all vying for air time and everyone acting independently of one another. It’s too crowded and many characters exist solely for their input regarding one small aspect of the overall story and are then nonchalantly discarded. Speaking of being discarding, Resurrection of the Daleks is well-known for being one of the most violent Doctor Who stories ever aired. It contains numerous on-screen deaths and many of them are rather horrific. By the end of this story even the normally pacifistic Fifth Doctor is holding a gun to Davros’s head. While I’ve always scorned the Fifth Doctor for not being more aggressive, this seems like an immediate about face for the character as played by Davison. As with several of the stories on this list, the biggest fault lies in the script.


All in all, it's easy to poke holes in Doctor Who stories. They were incredibly cheaply and quickly made and even the best of them has something that stands out as inadequate. These days, however, that's really part of the charm of the original series. While these stories are singled out as overrated, it doesn't mean they're all bad or that you should avoid them altogether. Just don't go in with particularly high expectations and you'll likely find them rewarding in one way or another. I know I did!

7 Minutes

What would you do with the last 7 minutes of your life? I would probably play something else, but as freeware goes, 7 minutes tries something interesting, and succeeds for the most part. You play as a square guy, trapped by a talkative, three-eyed floating head who doesn't seem to like you very much. You have exactly seven minutes to reach the end of the game, and frequent death throws you back to the beginning of the screen you're currently on, robbing you of precious seconds in the process. This game is tough. Many times you have to reach certain platforms before they dissolve, or else you may as well throw yourself on spikes because they don't reappear, or worse, you reach a difficult area of the level only to discover a dead end. The platforming is difficult and the controls are a bit floaty, but after a few minutes you get pretty well adjusted to it. The music is darkish sci-fi fare to go along with the visuals, and adds to the stress-inducing gameplay already present. There are multiple endings, but honestly I can't see anyone attempting this more than two or three times before tossing it in the recycle bin. At least it's short!

Chalk

The premise of Chalk is brilliant but simple. On a chalkboard come to life, you must guide the heroes Line and Target through six intense stages filled with monsters and environmental challenges, facing off against mini bosses to earn checkpoints and fighting incredibly imaginative end level bosses in each stage. You do all of this by left-clicking and holding while moving the mouse to draw lines through points on objects, between enemy shots and the enemies themselves to reflect the shots back, and various other actions which I won't spoil, as it's fun figuring this sort of thing out on your own. It's a beautiful but largely monochromatic game, keeping in theme with the setting, and all the artwork has a suitably hand drawn feel to it. The music is simple but upbeat, and the controls are perfect. I would pay money for this game on WiiWare. It's free for download on the website, and I can't think of a better way to idly spend 30 minutes than with this game.

Doctor Who: The Land of the Dead

The Land of the Dead (2000) is one of the first Doctor Who audio dramas from Big Finish Productions. This series, now counting well over a hundred stories, features Doctors Five through Eight in their ongoing adventures through time and space. This particular story involving the Fifth Doctor (Peter Davison) and his companion Nyssa (Sarah Sutton) is set in contemporary Alaska and takes place between seasons 19 and 20 of the original BBC television series.

I would be lying if I said I was a fan of Peter Davison’s Doctor. In fact, when asked to put the Doctors in order of preference (and, trust me, this is a challenge no hardcore Who fan can resist), I find that Davison is nearly always dead last on my list. That’s because he comes across as an ineffectual, namby-pamby, vanilla-flavored ninny who spends more time running about with his hands in his pockets and looking exasperated at his companions than he does in getting the job done. Say what you will about the Sixth Doctor’s garish costume, but at least when push comes to shove he’s…well, he’s willing to do either!

Nevertheless, I’m one of those Doctor Who fans who still enjoys watching all of the Doctors, if not all of their stories. I’m moderately fond of The Visitation, Mawdryn Undead, and The Caves of Androzani, but even these stories I feel I enjoy more for the sake of completion rather than true admiration. I tried to pretend it was the tacky 80s clothing or the annoying gaggle of companions that so turned me away from the Fifth Doctor’s era, but in the end I say the buck stops with the Doctor. If he doesn’t strike the right chord, then it’s all off.

Now, I’m not going to say it’s all Peter Davison’s fault. A lot of his Doctor’s laissez-faire approach is in the scripts themselves, but there is something so unassuming and apologetic in Davison’s very nature that he often comes across as dreadfully ordinary. He is strictly white-bread-with-the-crusts-cut-off Doctor material and doesn’t seem to have the gravitas for the role. His era, that of the early 80s, also sees some of the gaudiest costumes and unconvincing studio sets of the shows original run.

Thankfully, The Land of the Dead doesn’t have to deal with either of those problems. Davison has grown as an actor in the 20 years since his debut as the Doctor and a lack of visuals is vastly superior to conspicuously bad visuals. While it’s obvious that both he and Sutton (returning as my favorite Fifth Doctor companion, Nyssa) have aged, I think it actually benefits them both tremendously. They’re joined by a cast of five Brits I’ve never heard of, but most of them do a decent job. It’s always funny hearing the British do American accents, but everyone here is still more convincing than Nicola Bryant was at Peri’s American accent back in the original show…even the guy playing a Native American. Admittedly, he sometimes sounds like Tonto, but I guess some stereotyping is required considering we need to be able to tell everyone apart by voice alone.

The story here is really quite good, though to reveal too much would greatly reduce the mystique of the early episodes. It features an ancient life-form, older than the dinosaurs, awakened by an affluent eccentric through his macabre obsession of turning his home into a shrine to his dead father. The creatures themselves are really quite unique in that they do not speak and are more like a sort of supernatural raptor when we first come across them. They absorb the abilities and characteristics of whatever they eat and the Doctor and company are on the menu. It’s nice to see the Doctor (this one in particular) faced with an animalistic foe for a change. This is an adversary he can’t reason with or talk his way past. So, what does he do? Well, mostly he runs away. But it’s an understandable sort of running away that’s actually quite entertaining in a Jurassic Park sort of way.

I have to admit I was thrown off by listening to Doctor Who at first. I’m too young to remember when radio dramas were even available, let alone popular, and I found myself having to concentrate while the story played rather than let my eyes and mind wander. Towards the end I decided to listen to it in the dark and I have to say that it helped tremendously. Probably the best thing this story has going for it is its sense of atmosphere and the sound effects are fantastic; they're far more effective if you’re not trying to do too many things at once.

There’s also more to this story than just the central plot of the Doctor versus monsters. The mysterious tragedy that binds two key characters together is well explored and reaches a satisfactory conclusion. A healthy dose of Native American mythology and archaeology brings an added level of complexity to what could otherwise be a rather sterile setting. There’s even a hint of moral environmentalism thrown in for good measure. All things considered The Land of the Dead is a solid, straightforward Doctor Who story that feels far more fresh than nostalgic. More importantly, perhaps, it’s renewed my faith in the Fifth Doctor and gotten me excited about the dozens of other audio stories that remain ahead!


4 Daleks (out of 5)

Mirror's Edge (2D)

Who needs a silly Xbox 360? Mirror's Edge 2D is a free, fast paced recreation of the 3D platformer released earlier this year by Electronic Arts. Made in cooperation with Brad Borne, creator of the cool side-scroller Fancy Pants Adventures, ME2D controls much the same way, with fluid animation and great controls. Faith leaps from building tops, slides along floors and even runs along walls while trying to collect suitcases and other goodies while heading toward the end of each level. I hear it's very authentic in terms of capturing the feel of the original, and I had a lot of fun with it. The game is still in it's beta phase while some bugs are being worked out, but EA plans on expanding the content with new levels and time trials later on. It's rare for a company to sink this much time and money into a Flash game of this sort, and if it's a marketing ploy, which I'm sure it is, then it's a successful one--playing this made me wish I could play the original.

Flow

In Flow, you play as a microscopic organism trying to survive in a seemingly primordial environment by devouring other creatures and filling up your health meter, represented by body segments, in order to increase your size and evolve. Certain "boss" organisms, for lack of a better term, leave behind special pieces of themselves that cause you to evolve in specific ways, possibly taking on characteristics of the creatures themselves. You pass through multiple levels of the watery environment and into darkness by devouring a red organism to go deeper, and a blue to go back up. This is a beautifully done game, with a clean, simple art style that makes it easy to figure out what you have to do next. Everything has a soft glow about it that looks even cooler as you progress into the darker levels of the environment. The music is ambient and sets the tone of the game very well, and is quite relaxing, even when things get hectic as you eat and try to avoid being eaten by some of the game's larger creatures. It might take you 30 minutes or so to reach the bottom, and once you do, your creature ascends to the topmost layer and evolves into a completely different form, allowing you to play through the game again, which is a very different, and much more challenging experience. One of the most impressive in-browser Flash games I've played, it's also available for a free download to play directly from your desktop if you have a slower connection speed.

Xiao Xiao

Xiao Xiao combines two of the best things ever, stick figures and kung fu into a series of short (but awesome) flash movies and interactive games designed by the infamous Zhu Zhiqiang. I remember seeing his work in one of my early Flash classes in college, shown as an example of just how fluid animation could be using the software. While all of the animated shorts a great, with each one exploring the software and premise a little more (the 7th and 8th shorts are actually a two-parter featuring *gasp* 3-d effects), the interactive games are hit and miss. Xiao Xiao No. 4 is definitely the best of these, as it mixes things up with on-rails shooter gameplay similar to Virtua Cop. A great way to kill a few minutes.

365 Days of Dudes

This guy Andy is drawing a dude a day. A noble effort! Be sure to check out his comic, Barbarian Diary.

Jumpman

Jumpman is an old school (and by old school, I mean Atari era) style platformer where you play as the titular hero, striving for the exit. This is not as easy as it seems, as the game is full of perils--large yellow bouncy balls, green beasties, and "lava" are out to ruin your day, and it doesn't help that Jumpman runs like he's on ice all the time. Along with running and jumping, you can rotate the level itself; timing jumps to coincide with level rotation later becomes necessary to complete levels, and the difficulty ramps up as the game gets trippier, and the enemies more prevelant. Just when you become used to the rules, it throws new ones at you; the game is divided up into sections, with each one bringing a different set of rules and obstacles for you to contend with, which is nice. Another cool feature is that you can see all of the levels in a particular section stacked behind the level you're currently on, with monsters and everyhting. I managed to kill about three hours in one go without even realizing it, dying dozens of times in this one particular level before figuring out what I needed to do. Overall a great challenging little game, and at free, the price is right.

The Several Journeys of Reemus

Actually, there are only two chapters and a prologue so far, but what's there is great. Reemus lives in the bizarre fantasy land of Fredericus, looks like a washed-up Motorhead roadie, and travels with his sidekick, a purple bear named Liam. Bad things are afoot in the kingdom, and it is up to the pair of exterminators to make things right, or better yet, survive.
This is a very simple flash based point and click adventure similar to Zeebarf's previous game, the brief but wonderful The Visitor. You check for hotspots, and click to interact with objects. Solving puzzles boils down to clicking on things in the right order, and for the most part the puzzles will be common sense, with a few places where you might have to experiment a bit to figure out what you're supposed to do. Nothing's very difficult though, and like in most adventure games, it's usually something you missed. There is no inventory, and no list of actions to select from--once an object is selected, Reemus or Liam will automatically perform the neccesary action to solve that part of the puzzle. You can also click on each character to gain a vague hint about what you're supposed to do in each area.
The art style is great, with everything handrawn and animated, and the soundtrack is excellent, ranging from hair metal to spooky ambience. The adventure won't take you long, maybe 10 or 15 minutes for each episode, but it's very funny throughout, and with a little more time and some money behind it, could rival a some commercial releases available in the genre today.